Good morning everyone,
Here it is...Saturday again. Summer will soon be here. The plans for this year include some yard renovations....I hope to take the decorative pond (you know, the personalized neighborhood cat drinking fountain) out of the "front yard." That will make it much easier to mow.
Today, I hope to not accomplish anything. I think that will make this a perfectly lazy saturday. Maybe a drive thru the country to see if we can find anything interesting.
Here you go, Ginger...
I was living in the mountains above Denver when my college buddy, Gary, arrived in his ancient Maserati sports car. He had just driven it from Ohio, and as he pulled into my driveway, the car broke down.
Calls to auto-supply houses and garages in search of replacement parts proved futile. The 1962 model was simply too rare. Responses ranged from "Mas-a-what?" to "You've got to be kidding." One guy just laughed.
I was at the end of the listings in the Yellow Pages when I dialed Victor's Garage. "Vic," I said, "you're my last hope. Do you carry any parts for a 1962 Maserati?"
There was a long pause. Finally, Victor cleared his throat. "Yes," he replied. "Oil."
Well, until the next time...please remember that I have to pay the bills
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Saturday Morning Reflection #77
Good morning everyone,
Summer is approaching fast...:)
Today is my annual trip to the store to pick up essential items. The first on my list...NEW FISHING LICENSE.
My psychic abilities tell me that there is a walleye cruising the water around Port Clinton looking for my bait...I will be there soon.
NEWS FLASH...I have been informed that Alex Cat will NOT eat fish and shrimp for breakfast...that is an evening meal. I tried it anyway this morning and he ended up getting a can of seafood feast also. Josie Cat appears to like it BUFFET STYLE.
Here you go, Ginger...
There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10 miles visibility when his instruments went out. So, he began circling around looking for a landmark. After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous.
Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banks the plane around,rolls down the window and shouts to the guy, "Hey where am I?"
To this, the solitary office worker replies, "You're in a plane."
The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out.
The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it.
"Simple," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is just five miles due East."
Well, until the next time...please remember that I have to pay the bills
Summer is approaching fast...:)
Today is my annual trip to the store to pick up essential items. The first on my list...NEW FISHING LICENSE.
My psychic abilities tell me that there is a walleye cruising the water around Port Clinton looking for my bait...I will be there soon.
NEWS FLASH...I have been informed that Alex Cat will NOT eat fish and shrimp for breakfast...that is an evening meal. I tried it anyway this morning and he ended up getting a can of seafood feast also. Josie Cat appears to like it BUFFET STYLE.
Here you go, Ginger...
There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10 miles visibility when his instruments went out. So, he began circling around looking for a landmark. After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous.
Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banks the plane around,rolls down the window and shouts to the guy, "Hey where am I?"
To this, the solitary office worker replies, "You're in a plane."
The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out.
The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it.
"Simple," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is just five miles due East."
Well, until the next time...please remember that I have to pay the bills
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Saturday Morning Reflection #76
Good morning everyone...
This morning when I went in to feed the "outside cats" I saw the darndest thing...Only one outside cat came running when I opened the door. I had just put the "left overs" from Alex and Josie into the outside cats bowl. The outside cat had a large mouse in his mouth. Instead of eating his mouse he spit it into the left overs and began to eat cat food. One of the other outside cats arrived and started in on the leftovers. The first cat promptly whacked him with a paw. The second cat then was allowed to take the mouse. Kinda makes me wonder...which is better...leftover canned cat food or fresh mouse?
Here you go, Ginger...
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
Well, until the next time...please remember that I have to pay the bills
This morning when I went in to feed the "outside cats" I saw the darndest thing...Only one outside cat came running when I opened the door. I had just put the "left overs" from Alex and Josie into the outside cats bowl. The outside cat had a large mouse in his mouth. Instead of eating his mouse he spit it into the left overs and began to eat cat food. One of the other outside cats arrived and started in on the leftovers. The first cat promptly whacked him with a paw. The second cat then was allowed to take the mouse. Kinda makes me wonder...which is better...leftover canned cat food or fresh mouse?
Here you go, Ginger...
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
Well, until the next time...please remember that I have to pay the bills
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Saturday Morning Reflection #75
Good morning everyone...
Another saturday morning has arrived. The birds are singing, the rain is falling, and the coffee is good (the company isn't bad either).
Today, I am actually going to go political...
What the HELL is wrong with you Americans out there!!??? This country was founded on the belief of FREEDOM of RELIGION and expects tolerance from everyone that is involved. I am gonna have to say that the next time some MUSLIM starts to spout off about this great country (and I am not talking about expressing an opinion) then perhaps it will be time for one of us to simply slap the piss out of them. Those people that don't like it here...go back and change YOUR country. Leave mine alone...I have had enough and am thinking about following my own advice!!
The President of the United States should NEVER apologize for THIS country or say anything that should be construed as negative towards Her. I realize that we only have a short period of time until the islamic,liberal is sent from the White House. I look forward to this. I hope that it will not be too late for America to once again embrace the core values that made Her great.
GOD BLESS AMERICA!
Here you go, Ginger...
Our local minister had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures made a few weeks ago.
The first Sunday, his sermon lasted 10 minutes. The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes. But, on the third Sunday, he preached for an hour and a half.
I asked him about this. He then told me "well, John, that first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my dentures were still hurting a lot. Now the third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures AND I COULDN'T STOP TALKING!"
Well, until the next time...please remember that I have to pay the bills
Another saturday morning has arrived. The birds are singing, the rain is falling, and the coffee is good (the company isn't bad either).
Today, I am actually going to go political...
What the HELL is wrong with you Americans out there!!??? This country was founded on the belief of FREEDOM of RELIGION and expects tolerance from everyone that is involved. I am gonna have to say that the next time some MUSLIM starts to spout off about this great country (and I am not talking about expressing an opinion) then perhaps it will be time for one of us to simply slap the piss out of them. Those people that don't like it here...go back and change YOUR country. Leave mine alone...I have had enough and am thinking about following my own advice!!
The President of the United States should NEVER apologize for THIS country or say anything that should be construed as negative towards Her. I realize that we only have a short period of time until the islamic,liberal is sent from the White House. I look forward to this. I hope that it will not be too late for America to once again embrace the core values that made Her great.
GOD BLESS AMERICA!
Here you go, Ginger...
Our local minister had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures made a few weeks ago.
The first Sunday, his sermon lasted 10 minutes. The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes. But, on the third Sunday, he preached for an hour and a half.
I asked him about this. He then told me "well, John, that first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my dentures were still hurting a lot. Now the third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures AND I COULDN'T STOP TALKING!"
Well, until the next time...please remember that I have to pay the bills
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Saturday Morning Reflection #74
Good morning everyone,
Is it SUMMER yet?
What an interesting week it has been. I normally keep this blog short, so I suppose I will tell the exploding lettuce story...
One morning while getting ready for work, Jackie made salads for lunch. She was so kind as to place the garbage (cores and such) into the sink. I placed them down into the garbage disposal. While the disposal was running the water started to back up into the sink. I worked feverishly to fix the problem. I thought the "back up" was resolved. It was not. Jackie says that all she heard was the disposal start...followed by a loud...KAPOP...and..."FUCK!!!!"
Let me say the disposal worked just fine, but when it shot the waste down the line the waste encountered a blockage. This caused the waste to quickly back up (with explosive force)and shoot thru the other sink. There was lettuce across much of the kitchen and I required a change of clothes prior to going to work. I am thankful that I was not looking into the sink to assure myself that the problem was fixed. There were several phone calls for "lettuce head" at my office that day.
Here you go, Ginger...
Two Mexicans are on a bicycle about 15 miles outside of Lafayette, Louisiana
One of the bike's tires goes flat and they start hitching a lift back into
town. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help, and the Mexicans ask
him for a ride. He tells them he has no room in the trailer as he is
carrying 20,000 bowling balls. The Mexicans put it to the driver that if
they can manage to fit into the back with their bike, will he take them back
into town and he agrees. They manage to squeeze themselves and their bike
into the back and the driver shuts the doors and gets on his way. By this
time he is really late and so puts the hammer down and sure enough, a blond
cop pulls him over for speeding. The lady officer asks the driver what he is
carrying, to which the driver jokingly replies "Mexican eggs." The
Blond
Lady Cop obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look in the
trailer. She opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it. She gets
on her radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as
possible plus the Swat Team. The dispatcher asks what emergency she has
that require so many officers. "I've got a Tractor-Trailer stopped
with
20,000 Mexican eggs in it. Two have hatched and they've already managed to
steal a bicycle."
Well, until the next time...please remember that I have to pay the bills
Is it SUMMER yet?
What an interesting week it has been. I normally keep this blog short, so I suppose I will tell the exploding lettuce story...
One morning while getting ready for work, Jackie made salads for lunch. She was so kind as to place the garbage (cores and such) into the sink. I placed them down into the garbage disposal. While the disposal was running the water started to back up into the sink. I worked feverishly to fix the problem. I thought the "back up" was resolved. It was not. Jackie says that all she heard was the disposal start...followed by a loud...KAPOP...and..."FUCK!!!!"
Let me say the disposal worked just fine, but when it shot the waste down the line the waste encountered a blockage. This caused the waste to quickly back up (with explosive force)and shoot thru the other sink. There was lettuce across much of the kitchen and I required a change of clothes prior to going to work. I am thankful that I was not looking into the sink to assure myself that the problem was fixed. There were several phone calls for "lettuce head" at my office that day.
Here you go, Ginger...
Two Mexicans are on a bicycle about 15 miles outside of Lafayette, Louisiana
One of the bike's tires goes flat and they start hitching a lift back into
town. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help, and the Mexicans ask
him for a ride. He tells them he has no room in the trailer as he is
carrying 20,000 bowling balls. The Mexicans put it to the driver that if
they can manage to fit into the back with their bike, will he take them back
into town and he agrees. They manage to squeeze themselves and their bike
into the back and the driver shuts the doors and gets on his way. By this
time he is really late and so puts the hammer down and sure enough, a blond
cop pulls him over for speeding. The lady officer asks the driver what he is
carrying, to which the driver jokingly replies "Mexican eggs." The
Blond
Lady Cop obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look in the
trailer. She opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it. She gets
on her radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as
possible plus the Swat Team. The dispatcher asks what emergency she has
that require so many officers. "I've got a Tractor-Trailer stopped
with
20,000 Mexican eggs in it. Two have hatched and they've already managed to
steal a bicycle."
Well, until the next time...please remember that I have to pay the bills
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Saturday Morning Reflection #73
Good morning everyone,
I want to start this off by saying...This past week at work I had one of the best cups of coffee I have had in a long time. Please refer to Saturday morning reflection #72 for the details. Also, let me say...
GO HERD
The past week was a full moon. You could tell because of all the crazies at work. I am hoping the next week straightens up some. I have talked with several people in the past week and it looks as if the talk is towards a fishing trip to Port Clinton (you know who you are). There was also a little discussion of some fishing in Lake Michigan. Jackie and I have also talked about going back to the beach and taking a trip out. Will summer ever get here?
Here you go, Ginger...
A tom cat and a tabby cat were courting on a back fence at night.
The tom leaned over to the tabby with pent up passion and purred... "I'll die for you!"
The tabby gazed at him from under lowered eye lids and asked, "How many times?"
Well, until the next time...please remember that I have to pay the bills
I want to start this off by saying...This past week at work I had one of the best cups of coffee I have had in a long time. Please refer to Saturday morning reflection #72 for the details. Also, let me say...
GO HERD
The past week was a full moon. You could tell because of all the crazies at work. I am hoping the next week straightens up some. I have talked with several people in the past week and it looks as if the talk is towards a fishing trip to Port Clinton (you know who you are). There was also a little discussion of some fishing in Lake Michigan. Jackie and I have also talked about going back to the beach and taking a trip out. Will summer ever get here?
Here you go, Ginger...
A tom cat and a tabby cat were courting on a back fence at night.
The tom leaned over to the tabby with pent up passion and purred... "I'll die for you!"
The tabby gazed at him from under lowered eye lids and asked, "How many times?"
Well, until the next time...please remember that I have to pay the bills
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Saturday Morning Reflection #72
Good morning everyone...
Here it is, Saturday again, and a long weekend (thank you Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr).
I will have to tell everyone, that for the first time in several years I have placed a bet on the upcoming Capitol classic. There is a mountainqueer fan at work that gave me Marshall and 8 points. I will enjoy my winnings (1 cup of starbucks coffee).
There are some upcoming dinner plans with some friends. The last time we went out was the "disaster at huntington prime." This one should turn out better. I am thinking saki and sushi, or perhaps the Dog Track for cheap steak night (Prime Rib or filet). Since Travis reads this I am sure he will let me know his thoughts on the matter.
Here you go, Ginger...
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise.
Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed.
The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.
"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath.
"I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."
Well, until the next time...please remember that I have to pay the bills
Here it is, Saturday again, and a long weekend (thank you Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr).
I will have to tell everyone, that for the first time in several years I have placed a bet on the upcoming Capitol classic. There is a mountainqueer fan at work that gave me Marshall and 8 points. I will enjoy my winnings (1 cup of starbucks coffee).
There are some upcoming dinner plans with some friends. The last time we went out was the "disaster at huntington prime." This one should turn out better. I am thinking saki and sushi, or perhaps the Dog Track for cheap steak night (Prime Rib or filet). Since Travis reads this I am sure he will let me know his thoughts on the matter.
Here you go, Ginger...
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise.
Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed.
The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.
"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath.
"I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."
Well, until the next time...please remember that I have to pay the bills
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