Saturday, February 26, 2011

Saturday Morning Reflection #78

Good morning everyone,

Here it is...Saturday again. Summer will soon be here. The plans for this year include some yard renovations....I hope to take the decorative pond (you know, the personalized neighborhood cat drinking fountain) out of the "front yard." That will make it much easier to mow.

Today, I hope to not accomplish anything. I think that will make this a perfectly lazy saturday. Maybe a drive thru the country to see if we can find anything interesting.

Here you go, Ginger...

I was living in the mountains above Denver when my college buddy, Gary, arrived in his ancient Maserati sports car. He had just driven it from Ohio, and as he pulled into my driveway, the car broke down.

Calls to auto-supply houses and garages in search of replacement parts proved futile. The 1962 model was simply too rare. Responses ranged from "Mas-a-what?" to "You've got to be kidding." One guy just laughed.

I was at the end of the listings in the Yellow Pages when I dialed Victor's Garage. "Vic," I said, "you're my last hope. Do you carry any parts for a 1962 Maserati?"

There was a long pause. Finally, Victor cleared his throat. "Yes," he replied. "Oil."

Well, until the next time...please remember that I have to pay the bills

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Saturday Morning Reflection #77

Good morning everyone,

Summer is approaching fast...:)

Today is my annual trip to the store to pick up essential items. The first on my list...NEW FISHING LICENSE.

My psychic abilities tell me that there is a walleye cruising the water around Port Clinton looking for my bait...I will be there soon.

NEWS FLASH...I have been informed that Alex Cat will NOT eat fish and shrimp for breakfast...that is an evening meal. I tried it anyway this morning and he ended up getting a can of seafood feast also. Josie Cat appears to like it BUFFET STYLE.

Here you go, Ginger...

There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10 miles visibility when his instruments went out. So, he began circling around looking for a landmark. After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous.

Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banks the plane around,rolls down the window and shouts to the guy, "Hey where am I?"

To this, the solitary office worker replies, "You're in a plane."

The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out.

The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it.

"Simple," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is just five miles due East."

Well, until the next time...please remember that I have to pay the bills

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Saturday Morning Reflection #76

Good morning everyone...

This morning when I went in to feed the "outside cats" I saw the darndest thing...Only one outside cat came running when I opened the door. I had just put the "left overs" from Alex and Josie into the outside cats bowl. The outside cat had a large mouse in his mouth. Instead of eating his mouse he spit it into the left overs and began to eat cat food. One of the other outside cats arrived and started in on the leftovers. The first cat promptly whacked him with a paw. The second cat then was allowed to take the mouse. Kinda makes me wonder...which is better...leftover canned cat food or fresh mouse?

Here you go, Ginger...

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

Well, until the next time...please remember that I have to pay the bills

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Saturday Morning Reflection #75

Good morning everyone...

Another saturday morning has arrived. The birds are singing, the rain is falling, and the coffee is good (the company isn't bad either).

Today, I am actually going to go political...

What the HELL is wrong with you Americans out there!!??? This country was founded on the belief of FREEDOM of RELIGION and expects tolerance from everyone that is involved. I am gonna have to say that the next time some MUSLIM starts to spout off about this great country (and I am not talking about expressing an opinion) then perhaps it will be time for one of us to simply slap the piss out of them. Those people that don't like it here...go back and change YOUR country. Leave mine alone...I have had enough and am thinking about following my own advice!!

The President of the United States should NEVER apologize for THIS country or say anything that should be construed as negative towards Her. I realize that we only have a short period of time until the islamic,liberal is sent from the White House. I look forward to this. I hope that it will not be too late for America to once again embrace the core values that made Her great.

Here you go, Ginger...

Our local minister had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures made a few weeks ago.

The first Sunday, his sermon lasted 10 minutes. The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes. But, on the third Sunday, he preached for an hour and a half.

I asked him about this. He then told me "well, John, that first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my dentures were still hurting a lot. Now the third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures AND I COULDN'T STOP TALKING!"

Well, until the next time...please remember that I have to pay the bills